Stuff People Say To New Moms

Since becoming a mom, I have noticed that there are a lot of people who have the annoying habit of asking really annoying/intrusive/just-plain-dumb questions, and making really annoying/intrusive/just-plain-dumb comments.  

That being said, I am probably guilty of saying some (many?) inappropriate things to other moms, so I’m certainly not an expert in mommy etiquette. What I do know is that the following questions/comments are particularly annoying:

“It only gets harder the older they get.”

Thank you. Thank you for that completely useless piece of information. 

 

“Don’t you think letting your baby cry it out (CIO) will cause long-term brain damage and ADHD?”

            No. I don’t. And do you really think I would have done it if I believed it did any harm?

“Aren’t you going to sign her up for any classes?”

           Um, she’s a baby. She chews her feet, and watches the ceiling fan as if it were freaking Cirque de
           Soleil. Sure, I might sign her up for some mom and tot classes, but you know what? I might not.  I
           don’t know, maybe she won’t get into Harvard because I didn’t sign her up for baby mathletes, but
           I’ll take my chances.

“Is she (insert milestone of your choice here) yet?” 


           No, she’s not walking yet. No, she’s not talking yet. No, she’s not inventing the flying car (yet). But,
           now that you mention it, I’m starting to get worried that she’s behind on her milestones. I know I’m
           overreacting, and this is a totally innocent question, but it’s the kind of questions that is really un-fun
           to answer, when the answer is “No.”

“Your body will never be the same now that you’ve had a baby.”

 
           Just because your ass grew to the size of Texas while you were pregnant and it stayed that way
           doesn’t mean you have to bring me down with you. First of all, lots of  some women do get their
           pre-pregnancy bodies back, and even though I’m not one of them, please don’t ruin my fantasy.
           I’m still convinced that the washboard abs I had when I was 12 are under the flab somewhere,
           getting ready to make their comeback.

“How do you like being a mom?” 

       

          So for the record, I think being a mom is more awesome than cheesecake, but what if I didn’t like  

          being a mom? Let me demonstrate through a hypothetical exchange between a mom and an  

          Annoying Question Asker

Annoying Question Asker: “Congratulations on your new baby! How do you like being a mom?”

            Mom: “Actually, it kind of sucks.”

          Clearly, this would put a bit of a damper on the conversation. I’m pretty sure there’s only one
          acceptable way to answer this question, so unless you are comfortable hearing about how someone
          hates being a mom (which some women do), then just don’t ask!

“You really need to take some time for yourself”

         Thanks. I never thought of that. All this time, it never even occurred to me that it might be nice to take
         a shower, or watch an episode of The Real Housewives, or (dare I say it) sleep in. I really don’t
         know why this didn’t occur to me. In fact, I think I’ll go get a pedicure right this second. Oh wait, the   
         baby.