10 Reasons Why I Couldn't Be A Crunchy Granola Momma

I first heard the term “granola” (in reference to something other than food) when I was about thirteen years old in Junior High School.  The word was used to describe my sense of style (or lack thereof, I suppose), and I was a little disappointed as it certainly wasn’t the look I was going for. The popular clothes at that time at my school were those excessively girlie, Clueless-inspired outfits. Think: short skirts, knee high socks, feather boas, and pastel coloured Mary Janes.  Being called “granola” in a sea of glammed up, lipstick-wearing pre-adolescent girls was an unequivocal insult, but I probably was a little crunchy (both in dress and in personality), and looking back, it kind of makes me proud.

Since those accidental granola days, I have grown up to become decidedly mainstream, but I like to think that I still have a little crunch in my cardigan. After all, I was a vegetarian for most of my life (I’m now an almost-vegetarian, as I started eating chicken) and I do make my own (mostly organic) baby food, but it pretty much stops there.   

Growing up in downtown Toronto, I’ve always been quite familiar with the “bohemian”/ “hippie” subculture- if you can even call it a subculture- but since becoming a mom, I have realized that there is a whole other manifestation of this culture in the world of motherhood, and I am just now starting to learn about it.

I must say, I really respect the true crunchy mommas.  Okay, well some of the really radical crunchsters are a bit kooky, but for the most part, the so-called granola moms are just regular, good people who care about the environment, promote equality and free-thinking, and work hard to raise their children in a natural and healthy manner that reflects these values. Unfortunately, I realize that I’m just not cut out to be one of them. Here’s why:

1. I'm way too lazy to do cloth diapers. Plus, I'm addicted to Pampers reward points, and if I ditched the disposables now, I'd never get enough points for that $10 Starbucks gift card I've been saving up for- which leads me to Reason #2.

2.  I love Starbucks. Big bad corporate Starbucks with their delicious overpriced lattes that smell like shopping malls at Christmas time. Mmmm.

3.  And speaking of smell, what’s patchouli, anyway?

4.  Pregnancy did not make me feel beautiful. Waddling around with fat ankles, puking in public bathrooms, and stuffing my fat face with fried chicken just didn’t make me feel like some kind of radiant fertility goddess- but that’s just me.

5.  I suck at breastfeeding. No pun intended.

6.  I kill insects, and by “kill insects”, I mean I jump three feet in the air, scream, and get someone to kill them for me.  I really hope my daughter isn’t afraid of insects, so that as soon as she is old enough, she can kill them for me. And yes, I will be teaching her to kill them, not to just set them free outside where they can break in to my house again.

7.  I let my baby watch TV. You know, just a little bit, when I’m watching. It’s educational, I swear! ADHD isn’t real, right?

8.  I believe that triple chocolate cheesecake is a food group, and is a perfectly acceptable breakfast food. In fact, I’m pretty sure that if you eat it with your hands, there aren’t any calories in it. Baby-led weaning types, take heed!

9.  My baby has toys. Lots of toys. Not some assortment of items that she strung together while frolicking through a field of dandelions, but actual plastic, Made In China, bought at Toys R Us toys. And I like them.

10.  Epidural- enough said

All kidding aside, there are times when I feel like maybe I should be just a little bit crunchier because most of the ideas of natural parenting really do fit with my value system, but I also realize that I’m just a cake-for- breakfast, insect-killing, Starbucks-drinking kind of girl, and I’m okay with that.