The second we’re wheeled out of the delivery room, Mommy
Guilt comes to visit us. She introduces herself, makes herself comfortable, and
tells us that we had better get used to her because she’s not going anywhere.
She’s everywhere: at the playground, in the mall, and at the
bottom of the sink underneath the dirty dishes. Every mom knows her and those
who don’t know her feel guilty that they don’t (but surely that qualifies,
right?)
We may not always notice her presence, but she is always
there, ready to bring us down just when we’re starting to feel like we’ve
finally got it all figured out.
We don’t know how to get away from her, but if we’re truly
honest with ourselves, do we really want to?
Mommy guilt preys on our insecurities, encourages us to doubt ourselves,
and highlights all of our inadequacies. But she pushes us to work harder to
benefit our children, so does she make us better moms?
I had always planned to breastfeed my baby but when she was
born, I, like many, struggled with breastfeeding. After consulting with nurses, lactation
consultants, doctors, other moms, and anyone who would listen, I still could
not make breastfeeding work. I was told
that my only other option was pumping so, determined to do what I felt was best
for my daughter, I rented the monstrosity of a machine and hooked myself up to
it for 15 minutes, every three hours, 24 hours a day. Then, of course, I still
had to feed and change the baby, and clean and sterilize the bottles and
pumping supplies in time to go through the whole cycle again. After a couple
weeks of this, I nearly lost my mind. Sleep when the baby sleeps? No such luck.
Must pump. And I did. I was so sleep deprived, I literally couldn’t see
straight, but I persevered with a goal of continuing to pump for six months.
It eventually got easier.
I slacked off a little (ok, a lot) on the every three hour schedule, and
I eventually cut back to five times per day. The six month mark came and went,
and I’m still pumping. I’d like to think
that the reason I have kept up with it for all this time is purely because of
the desire to provide the healthiest start in life for my daughter, but if I am
really honest with myself, I think the main motivation to continue pumping is
to avoid the guilt I know I would feel if I stopped. I suppose you could argue that wanting to
provide the healthiest nutrition for my daughter and feeling guilty if I did
not do so are one and the same. But I
think they are actually very different motivators. One is a positive motivation
based on a healthy goal, the other is negative motivation aimed at avoiding an
unpleasant emotional state (guilt). So would I still be pumping if Mommy Guilt
hadn’t made me do it? I’m not sure. Am I
a better mother because I have continued to pump all this time, instead of
throwing in the towel? I don’t think so.
Formula is a perfectly healthy option (and in some cases the
only option) and it has nourished generations of healthy babies. Although I am
well aware that “breast is best” and fully admire breastfeeding mothers for all
their hard work, I do not think that breastfeeding should be a factor in
assessing one’s parenting skills. Often I wonder whether I would be a better mother if I quit pumping, because I would be less stressed, and would have more time to devote to my daughter. Still,
Mommy Guilt tells me all the time that I should continue with pumping, because
otherwise I will be less of a mother. I don’t actually believe this to be true,
but yet I just can’t get Mommy Guilt to shut up!
So back to my original question- does Mommy Guilt make us
better moms? While I do give Mommy Guilt
full credit (well, maybe half-credit) for the fact that my daughter has
continued to have breast milk for more than six months, I really don’t think
this has made me any better of a mom than I would have been had I simply given
up breastfeeding and pumping from day one.
Being a good mom is doing so much more than the things we do to avoid
guilt. It is about the pure, clean, guilt-free love we give our children, and
the lessons we teach them at times when guilt is the last thing on our minds.
I do believe that Mommy Guilt has her place, (How could I
not? She is peering over my shoulder as I write this, telling me that I should
be pureeing carrots for baby food right now), but let’s not give her too much
credit. She may be in the next room watching our every move, but she is not a
mom, and at the end of the day, I think we’d be just fine without her.
